Often times, we end up in relationships with broken men who we spend a lot of energy trying to heal. These men are usually beautiful enough that we assume they are just "diamonds in the rough." It may be true.
As women we are caregivers and it is our divine duty to heal, but we are not miners. I am guilty of this--trying to love a man back together. However, it took me seeing the pain in my unborn daughter’s eyes in the broken man’s eyes to walk away.
At a very young age, I learned that you can tell a lot about a man’s heart through his eyes. Does his eyes shift when recounting a story? How long can he hold your gaze? At what moment does he look away? The best practice is to watch a man’s eyes when he is telling the truth or when he is lying. You must watch his eyes when he is speaking to his friends, his family or his enemies. Everything you need to know about a man is in his eyes. So, imagine my surprise when I see my unborn daughter in the eyes of the last broken man that I loved.
The last broken man that I loved could lie straight to my face. Some men can’t, but he could. He spent many years before me perfecting it. However, I could still see the lies in his eyes, there was always a tell tale sign positioned right in the iris of his eyes that I learned to spot from years of loving him. After the most recent lie, there was something different there. It was a little girl staring back at me.
Later that night, I tossed and turned because my spirit was unsettled. In the past, I've rested many nights peacefully after being lied to. It's a bad habit women pick up from loving “diamonds in the rough"--from mining. This particular night, I just could not sleep. So, I did what I do when my mind won’t let me rest. I pulled out my phone and went to the notes section. I typed:
March 26, 2017 10:11pm
“My unborn daughter needs to know that Mommy didn’t bend and break for daddy.”
I was not pregnant nor was I seriously considering having children with this man. But, if I was to have a daughter with this man, would I be able to confidently tell her about the moments in which I tried to unsuccessfully love her broken father back together? Would I be able to tell her about the nights I slept comfortably with his lies? No.
This brings me to the point of this blog post. My best relationship advice for any woman and all women is this: Stay away from men who we would not try to convince our daughters, whether born or unborn, to love. If you would not want your own daughter to love the man that you are clinging to, then you must walk away. Imagine how we would protect our hearts if we saw our daughters every time we look in a man’s eyes? I do not have a daughter, but I know that I am fiercely protective over my own child. I, also, know that I deserve the same fierce protection. We are all broken and men are no more broken than women. However, women are more probable to try to fix and heal a man when that is his own fight. “Mommy didn’t bend and break for daddy.” If I am bending and breaking to love a man, then we will end up in a relationship of broken things--a mess. What will I tell my unborn daughter?
Afterword: This post is extremely personal for me. God woke me up at 5 in the morning with these words on my heart. It is my hope that these words may help another person.